9/11: Okay, let’s get Al-Qaeda out of the way first. Granted, they’re a KOOKIE bunch of characters, but the 9/11 incident was a kind of fluke that put us on our toes with the cold, hard reality that we aren’t as invincible as we thought. The bottom line is that they’re separated from us by sea and thousands of miles, yet regardless of their sophisticated communications of scrambled satellite phone messages, they hide in caves, not unlike nefarious Fred Flintstones.

Besides, possible Al-Qaedaites that may have imbedded themselves into the U.S. have such odd names and shifty look to them, that every time I see a person who fits this ‘profile’, I point at them and scream, “Terrorist! Terrorist!” at the top of my lungs, which will bring a policeman running over pronto to quickly dispatch the swarthy creep and quell my panic.

Osama Bin Laden, might be the most feared man in the world right now, but you know what really scares me about him? His fingernails. Every time he releases a new video, my eyes are glued to those repulsively long and filthy fingernails of his. If the guy can't rustle up a common nail clipper, I find it hard to believe he will be tossing any sophisticated weapons our way anytime soon. Besides, now that Dub-ya has settled his daddy's score with Sadaam, Bin Laden will probably be picked a week before the next presidential election as a shoe-in for the GOP. My paranoia rating is 3.

Do a Google search on CONSPIRACIES. Guess how many results you’ll get. A few thousand? Hell, that’s not even a drop in the bucket, Sparky. How does 8,940,000 sound? That’s right, over 8 million. But for our purposes, let’s just narrow that down to certain conspiracy theories that over the years have actually been, in most cases, proven to have some basis in the truth. Trust me, you’re going to find some startling things right here in the backyard of the good old USA... hey, watch out for that pile of dog poop... it might indeed make you a little nervous.

COLONEL BO GRITZ: This guy has been around for years, and has a HUGE following of fellow whackos, or as they proclaim themselves, militia survivalists. It was this guy, not potatoes, who really put Idaho on the map when he bought thousands of acres in spud-land and began selling parcels to those who believed that the government is plotting to take away the civil rights of every gun toting red blooded American. “Almost Heaven”, the first development there, sold out virtually immediately to future “freedom fighters” who sold their nice tract houses in suburban neighborhoods, and dragged their families to this godforsaken place so that they could stockpile food, learn survivalist techniques (real meaning: run around in Army surplus fatigues and shoot guns at squirrels), and dig holes to shit in since, of course, our entire infrastructure would someday collapse. Based on his remarkable success in separating the drove of fools practically forcing their money into his hands from the general population, Gritz quickly developed two more communities, with the macho moniker, SPIKE (Specially Prepared Individuals for Key Events). As an added bonus, buyers could make holy pilgrimages to nearby Ruby Ridge, a place where the infamous white supremacist, Randy Weaver, deemed the patron saint of militant gun owners, got a boot to the ass when the Feds took down his entire family during a shoot-out. So what is Colonel Gritz up to now? Hell, he has his own radio show named “Freedom Call”, which can not only be heard over the internet, but also by shortwave radio! After the fear spike following the Oklahoma City bombing, these guys have somewhat fallen from the public's attention, but I still give them a solid 6.

THE MILITIA OF MONTANA: From Idaho to Montana we go to visit co-founder John Trochmann and his merry group of loonies whose catchy motto is “GOD, GUTS & GUNS KEEP US FREE”. Ahh, but freedom has a price, so you’ll probably want to open your wallet and make a hefty purchase of the videos, survival food tabs, firearms manuals and cd’s that are sold on their website so that you too are “ready to keep tyranny at bay”. Oh, and their ‘Patriot Calendar Of Events’ will make the perfect Mother’s Day gift this year (unless you've already purchased the Bill O'Reilly "No Spin" bible with autographed insert.)  Not unlike our friends in Idaho, these guys are on a back burner with the televangelists that rob old grannies of there grocery money. 
Paranoia factor still in place, but snoozing at a 5.

CIA ACID TESTS: Here’s a doozy: In the 1950’s, San Francisco was used as the base for Operation Midnight Climax, an offshoot of a secretive CIA program which researched the effects of LSD and other mind-altering drugs by giving them to unsuspecting local citizens. In pursuit of a ‘truth serum’ for use against the dreaded, godless commies of the USSR, the CIA actually came up with the ingenious idea of turning a building on Telegraph Avenue into a whorehouse that was run by one of their narcotics agents. Teams of hookers were hired, and once a customer... some poor bastard just looking to get laid... was in the house, they were unsuspectingly given a dose of acid, and their reaction was monitored by CIA employees.

Now in light of the recent disclosures that the major phone companies are now releasing our private conversations to the federal government, truth serums may not hold much appeal for political purposes, thus I give this a weak 3.

Nonetheless, on a smaller scale I believe this is an idea whose time has come again. Imagine some unscrupulous individual, someone like me for example, setting up a similar scenario in order to use the truth serum/acid to get people’s ATM PIN numbers and AOL adult profile passwords!

THE PLAN: When Marion Barry, the black mayor of Washington DC, was secretly videotaped toking on a crack pipe, many black Americans... and white liberals... nodded their heads and made knowing references to The Plan. Orchestrated by the FBI, CIA, and other black-ops (no pun intended) government agencies, the purpose of The Plan was to keep the black man down yet again by distributing crack in inner cities, turning them into drug craving lunatics who would reduce themselves to shining the white man’s shoes again just to be able to buy a couple of rocks. It seemed as though EVERYONE was in on The Plan, but rumors that Kentucky Fried Chicken was helping to sponsor the conspiracy as a way to eliminate competition from Popeye’s Chicken has pretty much been dismissed as being untrue.

In light of the fact that my daughter is now dating a clear descendant of Nat King Cole, my son has a distinct "blackcent" and I can't pry the crack pipe out of my wife’s boney grip it is clear THE PLAN was a dismal failure. Paranoia rating is a finger lickin' good 0.

THE NEW WORLD ORDER: Without a doubt, this is the Babe Ruth of conspiracies. With prestigious members such as the uber-wealthy Rockefeller family, Wall Street bankers, and all three major television networks, (and according to Mel Gibson, of course, the Jews), the ambition of this group has been relentless for over ninety years. Supposedly, the Rockefellers and their allies, working through the Federal Reserve Bank, engineered the stock market crash of 1929 in order to take control of the U.S. economy, as well as being the secret founders of The United Nations so that they could establish themselves as an all-powerful world super-state. Oh, and did I mention that in their spare time they were the forces that arranged both World Wars I and II? Wow! Although they may make you nervous, ya sure have to admire their work ethic!

Now any discussion of NWO opens the door to mention of the Illuminati, and that is where the paranoia factor spirals out of control. The New World Order cabal includes Majesty, MJ-12, The Illuminati, Order of the Quest, The Bilderberg Group, The Trilateral Commission, The Executive Committee of The Council on Foreign Relations, The PI-40 Committee, The Jason Group, The Club of Rome, The Group, The Royal Institute of International Affairs, The O F Secret Society, the Vatican, The Rosicrucians, The Brotherhood of the Dragon, The Russell Trust, The Black Families of Europe, Skull & Bones, the Scroll & Key, The Knights of Malta, the Illuminati arm of The Freemasons and probably FOX NEWS. It's an unending and intricate game of world domination... kinda like RISK. Paranoia Factor: Infinitey!